seriously.. i don't know what to do at this point. i can substitute all i want but i'm not fooling myself, it's not the same. it was all just so sudden and.. final. it's like the deepest, most true friendship turned into unimaginable hate. and i mean hate, i mean it feels like there's no turning back from here. and even if there is a chance of reconciling everything, it will NEVER be the same and everyone knows that. and it kinda feels like everyone is laughing in my fucking face about it. and no one fucking gets it either. have you ever had this happen to you? have you ever completely LOST not one, but two individuals that mean the fucking WORLD to you? in one shot? over something you couldn't even control? it's like having the fucking floor ripped out from underneath me, and not being able to do SHIT about it. if someone could just fucking explain to me WHY this happened, it might make it a little easier to deal with. i doubt it would though honestly. i'd still be without two of my best friends. it was so SUDDEN. everything was fine, or so i thought. it's like they both decided to up and dump me. completely. and now i'm totally lost. i'm upside down, i don't know what to focus on. if alex is busy at home with the baby, and chelsea and rachel are off doing their own thing.. i don't really have any friends left. i'm not gonna butt into rachel and chelsea's shit and fuck up their best friend thing. and alex can't help having things to do at home.. her mom needs her right now.. but where does that leave me? at home, alone, sitting in front of the damn computer typing ridiculously emo shit on xanga like this? WHO DOES THIS?! seriously i'm a fucking mess right now.. i've had way too much time at home to think about this.. fuck this.. i'm fucking done with this shit.. is it even worth trying to fix eventually? honestly.. i need to know if they even want to be friends with me ever again.. she said she did, in that note. but i still don't understand WHAT I DID. i don't do drugs, i don't get high all the time, i don't drink all the time, when was the last time i did either of those things? i don't even know. the only time i didn't hang out with them was when i was with someone else already.. and is it SO damn hard to MAKE PLANS? if you call me, and i'm busy, don't get pissed and get off the phone. say something like, "okay, well what are you doing tomorrow? we should hang out." and i'll TOTALLY fucking make plans with you. would THAT have saved us? i'm getting such different feedback from everyone on what to do, too. some people tell me that we're ALL being immature and need to grow the fuck up and forget about it. others tell me to fucking forget them altogether. but i CANNOT do that. it's one thing for a boy to say he can't get over a girl. it's another for someone to completely get over losing her best friends. that's true love right there, i don't care what anyone says. i don't care how much fucking pride i have, i'm not about to stand here and say that i haven't done anything wrong, just so i can save my pride and lose my best friends forever. that's not fucking happening to me. god.. "MICHELLE! I MISSED YOU!"
"Dude.. I was gone for a day.." i miss that so fucking much. and it's only been a week. remember when you said you didn't know what you'd do if we just stopped talking completely? if i just fell out of your life? what the fuck now? i seriously don't think i've ever been this heartbroken before. ever. i mean that too. with every part of me. ive never missed someone this badly before. and its doubled, because i miss caitlin too. this is completely unprecedented too.. i don't know how to react. | 
